Depression Starts Talking and His Voice Is Raspy

“And I'm the only thing that's standing in my way yall

But I gotta be with me, it's no escape yall

I guess depression just stepped in, and took over shit like it's known to do

Guess it said, hey Joe, I'm going home with you

Turn your phone off, I need to be alone with you

I need to be in the zone with you

Cuz I'm the only thing you've grown to, nigga

Look, I OWN you, nigga

Been with you since 10, but you starting to confuse me

Cause it's been so long and you still tryna lose me

Like how could you show me such cruelty??

When everybody turns their back on you, Joe it's you and me

Still you don't want me to see you right

And why you always come get me, how we re-unite

I know you feel for me deep in your heart

Doctors, meetings, pills couldn't keep us apart

Now you got a deal and you wanna get rid of me

We’re roommates, I'm in your head, Joe you live with me

So I don't write for the fans, nah, I write to my man

And hope that he'll just leave and understand

Like, like please leave the kid in peace

Let me smoke this one cig in peace

Just leave for a second, man it's been too long, and I can't troop it

But as long as you around I can't make that dance music” - Joe Budden

I was going to try to put all my feelings in words but that would take far too long and I believe those lyrics pretty much summed it all up. Obviously not too many people I know deal with it but it’s a serious disease of the mind. I go through some form of this shit every single day. Some days I wake up and simply don't feel like being bothered with anyone at all, then sometimes I can be in a rather pleasant mood for the entire day and someone will do something so minor and it’ll set it all off. It's literally like having an alter ego, I have no clue who will show up the next day. Today, it might be the person that most people have grown to know and love but tomorrow I could easily be the person they utterly despise. What makes it worse is that me, being the logical person I am, decided to try and figure a way around it but that was to no avail. I figured drugs would help but that just made it worse because it turns out that apparently I’m a textbook addict too. The drugs just create an illusion for the mind to cling to for awhile but eventually that goes away and reality kicks back in which is precisely why I’ve never seen a shrink. “I’d feel less if I drugged myself up with antidepressants, but in essence I’m threatening my character assessment.” Where’s the value of life if you have to walk around in a zombie-like state just to cope with it? But being an addict, I lost track of why I was even doing the drugs in the first damn place and became overwhelmed with all the fun I was having and the chaos that I would create. I remember once looking back through all of my facebook statuses dating back over a year and I could literally distinguish every single time I was high just by the subject matter and the way I presented it. So I guess being an addict is really the scary thing here because we’ve seen over and over again the type of devastation it can cause and others around you are forced to basically sit back and watch your steady and inevitable decline. I truly hope I don’t go out like that and I don’t think I will because I wholeheartedly believe I’ve learned my lesson as far as that’s concerned. Looking back and realizing you were doing enough drugs at one time EVERYDAY to kill an average person will put things into perspective but it also made me realize that a lot of it’s mental. Think about it, in the 90’s people took GHB and rohypnol, the date rape drugs, recreationally because it supposedly produced effects somewhat similar to what ecstasy does nowadays. Now what that says to me is that mentally preparing yourself for it allows for a different effect as opposed to having it slipped in your drink and unknowingly taking it. So I think that, that in itself is the best medication, to just mentally prepare and embrace it all. Im ok with the depression enough to know that it’s certainly not ideal but it does have its upsides and that’s why I love those lyrics because he understands how much pain it causes but at the end he realizes it’s also what causes him to be so creative and passionate in his music. That was especially refreshing to me because I used to look at it as a bad side effect of being gifted but actually I think being gifted is a good side effect of the disease. As much as I hate dealing with it, I do enjoy having an abnormally high IQ haha but a stipulation of being gifted is that you have to be equipped to live with all the critics. People constantly criticize me for being so negative about things and letting the stupid shit affect me like it does and normally it wouldn’t bother me at all but some act as if I do it on purpose so theoretically I should be able to just up and change it if I wanted to and that’s what upsets me. Honestly, who the fuck would knowingly choose live their life like this? My mind becomes encompassed with terrible thoughts and there’s no way of getting rid of them other than finding something else to think about and it’s usually not too much better but at the same time the replacement thoughts are certainly not as dark. I can tell you that there have been so many times when I wished I could just be like everyone else for at least a brief moment and have the ability to feel the entire spectrum of emotions , but at same time I’ve been in too many situations where it helped because bad things didn’t affect me like they affect normal people. What’s pitiful is that I find myself too often just going through the motions when it comes time to show emotion. Death doesn’t make me too sad, sure I feel for the families but I guess with me, I’ve personally dealt with it so much that it no longer poses to be that wake up call for me that it is for everyone else. That’s just simple psychology, a person dies and the people that know them are forced to take a step back and analyze their own mortality and then you get all the cliché sayings that go with it. I guess this is somewhat fitting since for all of us that went to high school together, we just lost one of our own and while everyone else is busy being flooded with emotion , I’m just sort of sitting there in amazement and disbelief. Of course it’s undoubtedly tragic, I’m not denying that for a second, but I’m more in awe at the ignorant value of life that living gets. Are you suddenly reminded of how valuable it is only when someone you know dies? What kind of thinking is that? Maybe it’s different for ordinary people but for me, a person who often wishes he had other people’s lives, I fully understand how valuable it is because I live everyday with the thoughts of how terrible my mind perceives mine to be but I always keep in mind the simple fact that it could be worse. But enough with all of my rambling, I just said that to say this; I decided to become a student of the mind when I realized I was becoming a prisoner of it and all I wanted was to mastermind an escape route but I ended up falling in love with all of the things I learned in the process. I've studied people for damn near my whole life so I know what makes them tick and while I'm one of those people who thinks ten steps ahead, I can also see your moves ten steps in advance. Hell I can figure you out in a heartbeat and manipulate the living hell outta you if I so choose to but that would only end up making things worse in the long run, and trust me, I've already thought it through hehe. So throughout it all, it’s given me an ability to see the world in a much different light than most people can and while I know now that I’ll never escape, I guess the best thing to do would be to use that knowledge for good and try to provide insight to anyone who’s willing to listen and take my advice.

“Depression tells me I suck, but I replied ‘I aint here cuz I fell down, im here cuz I got UP!’”

Assisted Suicide....What's The Big Deal?

Alright, first off I’d like to say R.I.P. to Jack "Dr. Death" Kevorkian who died earlier this month, a truly brilliant man in my personal opinion. His death inspired me to watch the movie detailing his life You Don’t Know Jack, which in turn inspired me to write this entry. So I guess we’ll just go ahead and get to the issue; do you consider him to be a revolutionary or a serial killer? I pride myself on taking an objective approach to everything I think about but with that being said, I can’t find a single valid point coming from those that believe he was some sort of a murderer. This world hasn’t seen a tremendous amount of truly great people but the ones we know about, I feel that the true essence of their greatness gets overlooked….think about it. For instance we admire Einstein for his genius, for coming up with the theory of relativity when in actuality he simply expanded on it. There was already a theory of relativity but therein lies his true greatness to me, because he understood that there had to be more to it than that and he wasn’t afraid to endure ridicule or failure to figure what was missing out so that’s essentially where I draw the line. There have been plenty of individuals who’ve invented great things or who’ve accomplished the seemingly impossible but then there were the great unsung heroes, people who truly changed the world by doing something that inevitably made the world stop and think…and that’s where I place Jack Kevorkian. Aside from his expertise in pathology and vast artistic ability was his determination to revolutionize this country and tip it off of its religiously fanatical axis by doing one thing: helping people end their suffering….. and all he ended up getting in return was a 9 year prison sentence. In my opinion it could all be so easy, just a matter of simple humanity, but this country and this government are so damn puritanical that religious dogma always seems to get in the way and trump all logic and reason. Make no mistake about it though, if you’re religious I’m not gonna sit here and knock you like I know you knock me but all I’m asking are 2 distinct questions: Why can’t you abandon your beliefs long enough to simply be humane or if you can’t do that then why can’t you realize just how hypocritical you are? The main accusations people made were that he was “trying to play God, only God should decide whether we live or die” and “God tests us and puts through things, he wants us to suffer in order to be stronger.” Ok well first off, virtually all medical doctors “play God” and that’s a fact. Secondly, and here’s where the big hypocrisy comes in, using that same logic why is it that when you get sick you immediately go to the doctor to get treated? Why is it when you have a toothache you go to the dentist to get painkillers? You see, to me there’s no difference between going to get help in order to extend your life and getting help to end it and herein lies what I like to refer to as the gray area, the place most people are literally afraid to look at or go to. The place you end up if you’re courageous enough to leave this “black and white” lifestyle we all grow so comfortable with, when you actually become torn between the two sides. I can speak from personal experience, I watched my father suffer and deteriorate before my very own eyes and I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy but he did enlighten me on one last issue, the quality of life. I’ll never forget when he told me, “If you can’t learn to just let me go then you’re fucking selfish because this isn’t living.” The first person Kevorkian helped was a lady a suffereing from Alzheimer’s disease and while she clearly wasn’t going to die anytime soon he understood that it wouldn’t be long before everyone she loved would die, in her mind. Why not let a person end their own life while they can still recognize the people they love most, if you couldn’t remember your spouse, siblings, or even your own damn children then what the fuck would be the point of living? So with that being said, how could a person who helped people put an end to their excruciating pain and agony be called a serial killer? He allowed suffering people to go out with the dignity they all deserve and all people talked about was how bad of a person he was. And mind you he did this for free, unlike normal doctors who get paid damn good to keep you alive and who might decide to diagnose incorrectly just to keep treating your false condition and make you buy irrelevant, non effective drugs to keep making money and also simply because you don’t know any better. Then finally there’s the biggest point of all, and that was the government’s interference during all of this. Plenty of great minds have said it, Kevorkian included; we’re nowhere close to real freedom in this country. When religion and politics combine you’ve got a helluva problem on your hands, because still to this day there are only 3 states in this country that allow assisted suicide. I know that if you read this chances are that you wouldn’t make the connection between that and the whole abortion subject but that’s basically saying the government owns our bodies. They tell us what we can and can’t do with them, they have the power to decide if you can be taken off of life support but firmly oppose you taking matters into your own hands, literally. It’s almost as if they believe they have the right to decide who lives and dies and when it all should happen…..so who’s really “Playing God?”

Well Damn.......I Might Just Be a Psychopath

The Hidden Suffering of the Psychopath

Now I know the title might suggest I'm joking but this is actually quite serious. Its funny though because for some reason after I got done joking about the psychotic girls I've dealt with I decided to google psychopath and that link just stood out to me so I decided to read it. What i found though was not so funny, it seems that I possess about 75% of the criteria that dictates a psychopath and that's slightly troubling for me but at the same time its kind of refreshing. If I really am a psychopath then at least I have an answer for some of my strange behavior.  Now I don't exude all of the characteristics all of the time though but it put a lot of things in perspective for me and at the same time argues things I read in a book about creative genius. Guess there truly is a thin line between genius and insanity or maybe I'm both, who knows, but ill save the genius argument for another time. I will say though that I've always tried to explain to people how I have multiple personalities but they actually help me in all of my decisions. Its literally like a conference meetings between me and my personalities. I like to label them though and i give each of them time to state their case. After I've taken everything they said to me into consideration I then make my decision. For example; when it comes to women its like "The Pimp" and "The Gentleman" takes the floor and they battle it out on how i should handle a particular girl. Is she just a random bar slut worthy of being a fuck buddy or does she truly have potential and i should treat her like a real women should be treated, etc. This is what I lived with every single day of my life and they show up for every single important decision I have to make but enough about that, what I was most troubled by though was a comment at the end of that article:

sonia robinson said:

I loved the illusion the guy first portrayed himself to be - but couldn't sustain. HE is the one I miss now the relationship is over. I couldn't change him - but he changed me in a fundamental way. Now I trust no-one and never will again.  I've spent hours studying 'the condition' - the covert aggressive psychopath being the criteria which fits him like a glove.  I thought I could read people.  But he fooled me. And if he did - so can others.    He knows he's different.  I knew he was different. I shouldn't have been so curious as to wish to find out what this 'magnetic' difference was.  There are many ways a psychopath can suck you into his web of deceit. You learn too late. He suffered trying to bend me to his will - and couldn't.  I suffered - resisting - and later - in recognising how many of his 'techniques' had worked, how much of his own way had been achieved, and my life diminished,  before I realised his 'game'.  A psychopath DOES have emotions.  The regret they feel, the crocodile tears shed,  is at having not succeeded in their intent to control  - and then losing their victim.   But as far as they're concerned - they can always charm and win some one else. To them - it's as simple as that.


I wonder have I done that to some women? If so I feel extremely bad about that, but was it a malicious move caused by psychopathy or was I just being real with the fact that I knew things wouldn't work out and never meant to cause any real harm like that? Hindsight's not quite 20/20 on this one though so I may never know............

Proud To Be An American?! Why?

First off ill say that I completely understand that if a closed minded dummy reads this that ill be mistaken for showing bias since I smoke weed but that’s not the case at all. This is a principle issue, as are most issues I have a problem with. So by now I’m sure you know that Prop19 was defeated last night and I can’t even accurately describe how upsetting that is to me but of course Ill just smoke the pain away haha. Why does everyone say they're proud to be an American?  You see, to be proud of this country is to be proud of everything it’s done and the things that it continues to do. Ill spare you the history though; I’m quite sure if you don't know it then you probably can't read so I know you're not on this page. Back to the main topic, last night this country had a legitimate shot at taking a step towards open mindedness but what did it do; failed because nothing says America like a bunch of ignorant naysayers that wanna force their views and beliefs on everyone else. That’s precisely why the rest of the world hates us. Let’s say hypothetically that prop19 had passed, none of those bastards would've been forced to START smoking. If you don’t smoke and never plan on it then who the fuck are you to be so adamant on making sure that WE can still get in trouble for it. 40 billion, that’s the number of dollars this country spends every year prosecuting and housing pot smokers in the jail system. Those retarded anti pot commercials? C'mon this shit is gotten worse than religious freaks forcing their beliefs on everybody. How ironic considering ALL the deaths religion and the drug war have caused. So am I proud to be an American? Nope not at all, I have too fond of an appreciation for LOGIC and this country simply doesn’t have any.

What is Happiness?

Well I guess the more appropriate title would've been What is Happiness to Me? Sometimes I really wonder because as I look back and briefly skim through my life I can’t seem to find a time when I was truly happy. Maybe momentarily as a child but things were obviously much more simple back then which poses a new question, does mediocrity and simplicity breed happiness? No matter where I go I always see so many people that seem to possess genuine happiness, so I immediately start to analyze their circumstances. The one thing they all have in common is simplicity; they live simple lives and do mediocre things. Is happiness eluding me or am I purposely evading it? I know I can’t live my life that way; I'm too complex of an individual to live that simple life. My mind doesn't see things the way an average person's mind does so I need complexity to stimulate mine. I try to look at the past 2 years as learning experience of some sorts yet I can’t seem to find a definitive answer my question of happiness. Throughout that entire time there was one instance of true happiness for me and that was with my girlfriend at the time, but that only lasted two months. But did the happiness come from the simple fact that I had someone who generally understood me or because having someone who understood me was something new to me? Maybe both because first you have to understand that to me, "fun" isn't how I define being happy. I mean I had excess money, drugs, women, and popularity but in my mind I still wasn’t happy, I was simply having a good time. But for once, having someone beside me who actually seemed to "get" me was quite comforting to me. Make no mistake about it though she didn’t truly understand me, no one ever will and I guess I’m partly to blame for that. I have this lust to be one of a kind and so I do everything I can to disassociate myself with everyone. I choose to display to people only what I want them to see, so I keep my inner most "self" to myself. Now whether or not that whole relationship was a facade I'll probably never know, nor at this point do I really even care because it did teach me something rather invaluable and thank her for that. But now that everything’s said and done, what should I do? Should I do like so many others do and settle for things strictly to achieve happiness when in actuality I know I want and deserve more? Or do I just patiently wait until I find everything it is that I search for?

Fame certainly isn't for the weak of heart

Guess I just felt like addressing this a lil more in depth. I know there are plenty of ppl who would love and aspire to be famous, but why? Figure out why u want to first before rushing to try to achieve it because it most certainly isn’t for everybody and personally I've always despised the idea of it. Do you wanna be famous so u can use your influence to change ppl for the better or are you simply enticed by the money and materialistic aspect of it all? Ppl need to understand that fame is an all or nothing game. U don’t get to pick and choose what u take from it. We live in a very superficial world these days and so due to commercial music and fake reality tv I know everybody likes to believe they're living a "rockstar lifestyle" but I don't believe you honestly have a clue what that lifestyle truly entails. Simply because you go out clubbin and have a great time with numerous friends doesn't mean you're doing it. Take it from a regular person whose been there and actually did it for the past year and a half straight, it’s so much more complex than that simple shit. You go days without sleep due to constant drug and alcohol abuse. There's more liquor, weed, cocaine, and pills than you could ever imagine....and honestly more than most ppl's bodies could handle. You spend money like there's an endless supply of it. Seems like every girl's literally dying for a chance with you and everyone knows who you are and you're steadily greeted with fake hugs and handshakes. I can honestly say I've never even fuckin met or seen a fraction of the ppl who claim to "know me" or know who I am. And there's actually more that I choose not to discuss but it all comes with the territory, it's a natural part of THAT life and as much as I hate that particular aspect of it all, I had to constantly remind myself of that. "This was MY choice to live this life so I'll accept EVERYTHING that comes with it." Thats why it frustrates me when ppl like T.I. say the things they say only after they're punished for mistakes made. Either you use your fame and notoriety to lead by example or learn to accept full responsibility and the consequences for the dumb shit u continue to do because of it. I know I did.