Well Damn.......I Might Just Be a Psychopath

The Hidden Suffering of the Psychopath

Now I know the title might suggest I'm joking but this is actually quite serious. Its funny though because for some reason after I got done joking about the psychotic girls I've dealt with I decided to google psychopath and that link just stood out to me so I decided to read it. What i found though was not so funny, it seems that I possess about 75% of the criteria that dictates a psychopath and that's slightly troubling for me but at the same time its kind of refreshing. If I really am a psychopath then at least I have an answer for some of my strange behavior.  Now I don't exude all of the characteristics all of the time though but it put a lot of things in perspective for me and at the same time argues things I read in a book about creative genius. Guess there truly is a thin line between genius and insanity or maybe I'm both, who knows, but ill save the genius argument for another time. I will say though that I've always tried to explain to people how I have multiple personalities but they actually help me in all of my decisions. Its literally like a conference meetings between me and my personalities. I like to label them though and i give each of them time to state their case. After I've taken everything they said to me into consideration I then make my decision. For example; when it comes to women its like "The Pimp" and "The Gentleman" takes the floor and they battle it out on how i should handle a particular girl. Is she just a random bar slut worthy of being a fuck buddy or does she truly have potential and i should treat her like a real women should be treated, etc. This is what I lived with every single day of my life and they show up for every single important decision I have to make but enough about that, what I was most troubled by though was a comment at the end of that article:

sonia robinson said:

I loved the illusion the guy first portrayed himself to be - but couldn't sustain. HE is the one I miss now the relationship is over. I couldn't change him - but he changed me in a fundamental way. Now I trust no-one and never will again.  I've spent hours studying 'the condition' - the covert aggressive psychopath being the criteria which fits him like a glove.  I thought I could read people.  But he fooled me. And if he did - so can others.    He knows he's different.  I knew he was different. I shouldn't have been so curious as to wish to find out what this 'magnetic' difference was.  There are many ways a psychopath can suck you into his web of deceit. You learn too late. He suffered trying to bend me to his will - and couldn't.  I suffered - resisting - and later - in recognising how many of his 'techniques' had worked, how much of his own way had been achieved, and my life diminished,  before I realised his 'game'.  A psychopath DOES have emotions.  The regret they feel, the crocodile tears shed,  is at having not succeeded in their intent to control  - and then losing their victim.   But as far as they're concerned - they can always charm and win some one else. To them - it's as simple as that.


I wonder have I done that to some women? If so I feel extremely bad about that, but was it a malicious move caused by psychopathy or was I just being real with the fact that I knew things wouldn't work out and never meant to cause any real harm like that? Hindsight's not quite 20/20 on this one though so I may never know............

Proud To Be An American?! Why?

First off ill say that I completely understand that if a closed minded dummy reads this that ill be mistaken for showing bias since I smoke weed but that’s not the case at all. This is a principle issue, as are most issues I have a problem with. So by now I’m sure you know that Prop19 was defeated last night and I can’t even accurately describe how upsetting that is to me but of course Ill just smoke the pain away haha. Why does everyone say they're proud to be an American?  You see, to be proud of this country is to be proud of everything it’s done and the things that it continues to do. Ill spare you the history though; I’m quite sure if you don't know it then you probably can't read so I know you're not on this page. Back to the main topic, last night this country had a legitimate shot at taking a step towards open mindedness but what did it do; failed because nothing says America like a bunch of ignorant naysayers that wanna force their views and beliefs on everyone else. That’s precisely why the rest of the world hates us. Let’s say hypothetically that prop19 had passed, none of those bastards would've been forced to START smoking. If you don’t smoke and never plan on it then who the fuck are you to be so adamant on making sure that WE can still get in trouble for it. 40 billion, that’s the number of dollars this country spends every year prosecuting and housing pot smokers in the jail system. Those retarded anti pot commercials? C'mon this shit is gotten worse than religious freaks forcing their beliefs on everybody. How ironic considering ALL the deaths religion and the drug war have caused. So am I proud to be an American? Nope not at all, I have too fond of an appreciation for LOGIC and this country simply doesn’t have any.

What is Happiness?

Well I guess the more appropriate title would've been What is Happiness to Me? Sometimes I really wonder because as I look back and briefly skim through my life I can’t seem to find a time when I was truly happy. Maybe momentarily as a child but things were obviously much more simple back then which poses a new question, does mediocrity and simplicity breed happiness? No matter where I go I always see so many people that seem to possess genuine happiness, so I immediately start to analyze their circumstances. The one thing they all have in common is simplicity; they live simple lives and do mediocre things. Is happiness eluding me or am I purposely evading it? I know I can’t live my life that way; I'm too complex of an individual to live that simple life. My mind doesn't see things the way an average person's mind does so I need complexity to stimulate mine. I try to look at the past 2 years as learning experience of some sorts yet I can’t seem to find a definitive answer my question of happiness. Throughout that entire time there was one instance of true happiness for me and that was with my girlfriend at the time, but that only lasted two months. But did the happiness come from the simple fact that I had someone who generally understood me or because having someone who understood me was something new to me? Maybe both because first you have to understand that to me, "fun" isn't how I define being happy. I mean I had excess money, drugs, women, and popularity but in my mind I still wasn’t happy, I was simply having a good time. But for once, having someone beside me who actually seemed to "get" me was quite comforting to me. Make no mistake about it though she didn’t truly understand me, no one ever will and I guess I’m partly to blame for that. I have this lust to be one of a kind and so I do everything I can to disassociate myself with everyone. I choose to display to people only what I want them to see, so I keep my inner most "self" to myself. Now whether or not that whole relationship was a facade I'll probably never know, nor at this point do I really even care because it did teach me something rather invaluable and thank her for that. But now that everything’s said and done, what should I do? Should I do like so many others do and settle for things strictly to achieve happiness when in actuality I know I want and deserve more? Or do I just patiently wait until I find everything it is that I search for?